remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
it's like iHOP with fire
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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