i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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