too bad you live with your parents still
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
