On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
this boner is exhausting
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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