so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
