I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
