dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You can't special order awesome
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
