i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
