I saw his package. It spoke to me.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
