Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
