Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
