R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
You may now shotgun with the bride
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
