Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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