Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
