we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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