i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
