I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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