today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
