apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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