You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
