If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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