Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
