Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
