I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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