when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
