I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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