Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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