I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
