In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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