All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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