Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
