I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
