Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
