Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
We don't watch enough power rangers
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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