SEEEEXXX PLEASE
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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