6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
