My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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