your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
