I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
