There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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