Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
