filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
