So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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