I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
