omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
