I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
