cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
