I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I lost the right to judge tonight
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
