# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Randomize
