Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
